Daily dilemas of a degree educated writer with no foundation studies in English

Yesterday was the day my internal thought pattern imploded into a deep dark pit, I gave into the voices of despair, questioning, self worth and found myself in a little existential hole.  "What have I achieved? Why hadn't I made it when others had, what was wrong with me? Why was I such a failure? How am I still trying to follow a dream, shouldn't I just give up, its clear I don't work as hard as I should, want it enough, have the skills to actually deliver" As I embraced the feeling of doom, I realised that once the day was over with a good sleep things would be okay again, and they were.  I woke up revitalised and connected with some friends, the kilter had rebalanced, and I was back writing again.

Perhaps it was the rain, the 40 minute wait at a bus stop in West Footscray, the three hour journey home from a less rewarding clothing hunt, or the knowledge that I hadn't been fulfilling my creative needs (writing had died down) and spiritual ones (no yoga for two weeks).  It's hard keeping yourself in check, maintaining friendships from the other side of the world, talking grandly about plans and then actually following them through - trying to find excuses/options for escape, if was was in London this would happen or if I knew these people this would happen, rather than actually just getting on with it.  Doing is the most fundamental exercise in being good at something, without actually doing how are you going to get better?  Consistency is a difficult daily struggle, I long to be a person that actually came home after a full days work and was like 'hold me back I cannot wait to get onto this laptop, no sorry dear I don't want to watch that mushy film, I'm devoting my life to my macbook.  However it maybe something deeper than routine without recognition it feels as though I'm singing with great difficulty to myself.  Writing for can be hard at times, it requires lots of thought and deliberation.  Then there is a niggling voice at the back of your head that tells you how little you know, how undeveloped your skill is.  Learning to switch off the voice and enjoy the process as much as the final article, is the biggest skill.