Friday, 27 May 2011

Lifting the bar of positivity

Sometimes you find yourself coasting along foolishly thinking nothing is ever going to change, then an event forces a complete shift in attitude, irrevocably altering your course. For me, (the black hole was deep) it's taken three consecutive events and several conversations with good (honest) friends to set myself on a positive angle. My job terminates in two weeks, the three month stepping stone, my island far from any pebbles, is starting to sink. I traded in my creativity for job security and a healthy income, the modern trappings of many dissatisfied folk. It's a messed world that those wanting to use their brain and skill earn considerably less than the numbing roles I've found myself in. Yesterday I filed for eight hours, I cried (momentarily) at the end of it. It was a cleansing process, made me question why I was in Australia, in an office, FILING. Instead of booking the next plane home, I thought about everything I wanted to achieve during my time here and how lackadaisical I’d been thus far. It's true when you're alone and have no friends you learn a great deal about yourself, mainly about how much you value those friends and how much you hate being on your own. Jokes aside it grants you perspective on other areas of your life, questions I've avoided answering, it taught me to be even more independent/self sufficient, how to manage my personality and build something from the ground up. The second was an offer to join the St Martins, FCP Alumni website, they wanted a biography from me, I took a look at my contemporaries; Online Editor at i-D, works at British Vogue, Arena Homme + Sportswear Editor come entrepreneur, for a moment I felt like I didn't belong. I sat down and began to write mine, bullet pointing everything I had done since leaving in 2007 and I surprised myself, my achievements were many (even the blip where I’d left London) looked good. You can paint any picture for yourself, but what matters more than anything is where you are now and how you feel about it, success is subjective. The exercise however served to reminded me of my capabilities and how scared I was of failure (a significant jades on my judgement). The third was a conversation with a firebird, totally enraptured with a wonderful and now successful (the fruits of his talent and her support) boyfriend. Leaving the UK was me running away from a massively shitty break up. I realise now that it was a result of accepting less than I deserve, and how important it is not to repeat the same patterns (something I almost fell into here), raising the bar and be positive (GO BIGGER). By changing what you do or allowing the force of fate to take over can have profoundly positive effects, embrace the upside.

1 comment:

Matt said...

that was such a great read Madame Martina, I couldn't agree with you more. Filing is like washing dishes...nice and repetitive and almost meditaive. Be here in the present and you'll be fine. Love from London